Domestic Violence and the Gay Community: A Right to Peace and Safety

Excerpt from “Domestic Violence in the Gay Community: A Right to Peace and Safety,” by Dr. Amy Menna and Gift from With in.

Every human being has a right to peace and safety.

Every individual has a right to be free from coercion from anyone. They deserve to live their lives with integrity and free will. They deserve to be free of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. They have a right to not only be safe in their home, but to feel safe as well.

Each gay or lesbian human being has a right to express themselves without fear of retribution or discrimination. They have the right to be open with their sexuality. They also have the right to choose to use discretion without the threats from individuals to expose them. They have the right to be in a loving relationship without fear.

Full article available at: www.giftfromwithin.org/html/dvgc.html

HeartWork Counseling Center has a support group for GLBT individuals who have experienced relationship abuse: htwcc.org/groups/

I was 7 years old when I experienced my first loss. My pet fish had died. As expected, I was sad and I felt like crying for what I lost. It was a natural process; I needed to mourn by crying. Nonetheless, it was excruciating for my father to see me in pain. He wanted to stop me from hurting. He wanted to take my pain away not knowing how impossible this really was.  He approached me kindly, started stroking my hair, said to me “don’t cry, we will get you a new fish”. He was unintentionally teaching me to grieve inadequately.   For one thing, it was impossible not to cry, and secondly I did not want a new fish. Although I have no doubts that my father had genuine and caring intentions, he gave me the wrong message about what it takes to grieve for my loss. He instructed me “not to feel bad for my loss”, and “to replace what I lost with something else”. If only it was that simple.

I wonder were you asked to go to your room and cry there if you were upset about something? If so, then you were led to believe that “you should grieve behind closed doors and by yourself”. As a therapist, and a man who had to learn, I can inform you that this is not the most efficient way to complete your recovery. Were you told that “you need to be strong” after a significant loss? Although this sounds good on the surface, it gives you the wrong message that it is “weak” to be sad and to show this intense sadness. Were you told by someone that you need to “stay busy” after a loss or that you need to “give it time”? Even though it does take time to grieve, the time itself will not help you recover unless you are doing your work on it. Furthermore, constantly keeping busy will not do much beyond helping you avoid your pain and postponing your recovery. It will only hide everything under a thin blanket of daily activity. However, there is no blanket that is big enough to cover grief.

According to Friedman and James, 6 messages our parents gave us about grieving a loss include: 1- Don’t feel bad. 2- Replace the loss. 3- Grieve alone. 4- Keep busy. 5- Be strong for others. 6- Give it time. If you believe these myths, you may be postponing your recovery. The good news is that identifying which one of these myths you still believe might be the first step in your healing.

You may be wondering, “Ok, now that I identified these myths, how do I really grieve adequately?” While there is no universal formula or a “how to” manual to grieve, here are some tips that you might find helpful in this process:

• Don’t minimize your loss
• Don’t compare your loss with someone else’s
• Feel! Grief recovery is an emotional process. You cannot recover from grief intellectually
• Remember that recovering is not forgetting
• Share your pain with others who care about you
• Remember that every relationship is unique; therefore keep in mind that every person deals with grief in their unique way, even if people share the same loss
• Remember that a grieving person wants to be heard, not fixed
• Take responsibility for your feelings rather than wishing they would just go away
• Allocate specific times throughout the week and allow yourself to feel your sorrow
• During your allocated time, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and allow your thoughts, feelings, and memories to come to you naturally. They will be right there if you allow them to come to you. Your body knows what to do. Hold your pain in compassion. Stop wishing that it was not there. Welcome it. Hold your pain gently. Hold yourself tenderly. Be with your pain. Be with it…
• When your allocated time is up, go about living your life. Then come back. Time and time again… Time and time again… Keep your heart open, hold yourself in compassion, and trust in your soul’s ability to heal itself

Kan Guvensel, Ed.S, LAPC, NCC

Psychotherapist

404-658-1222 Ext: 3

kan@htwcc.org

References

James, J. W., Friedman, R. (2009). The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York,       NY. Harper Collins Publishers.

Kornfield, J. (2008). The Wise Heart. New York, NY. Bantam Books.

Heartwork Resident

Recently, there have been at least three high-profile suicides in my neighborhood, Kirkwood. The incidents were reported on the neighborhood website/ message board, and were not just a private tragedy for family, friends and associates of the people who died, but also impacted the community. In a wonderful statement about our neighborhood, response to these tragedies has been mostly heartwarming. Still, as with any situation, different people have expressed different opinions and viewpoints on the meaning, nature, and ethics around these recent events.

It can be difficult to make sense of such tragedies because we can never really know what is going on with someone else – especially emotionally.  So much of the emotional burdens that we carry stay hidden until it is too late for others to offer help in carrying those burdens.  Suicide is one glaring example of the difficulty in helping others manage their emotions.  We can never know what it is like to live as that person, with their individual background and unique influences to their personality and behavior.  We can only imagine what it must be like to make such a permanent choice.  Whenever something like this happens, it causes each of us to question what we, ourselves, might do when confronted with such hopelessness and despair.  For some of us that answer is a simple, “No way!”  For others, it may be a bit more complicated.

Suicide is oddly both a very personal and public thing.  At once, someone’s internal pain is thrust out for the world to see.  As if to say, “See, this is the pain I have been dealing with day after day!”  Yet, it is one of the most personal and private decisions we can make.  Dealing with another person’s death by suicide forces us to take stock of our own mental health, and can be a reminder of our own fleeting mortality.  We may look into places in ourselves that are dark and scary; places we don’t go very often.  Personally, I am reminded of the darkest periods of my own life when I felt overwhelmed, and wondered if “ending it all” was the best course of action.  Looking back on those times, and even in writing this, I am uncomfortable admitting that I even thought about suicide – even though I had no intentions of actually doing it.  It helps to know I’m not alone with these feelings, or in having had suicidal thoughts.

Suicide, or any mental health issue for that matter, is a difficult subject to talk about because we are talking about emotions.  Emotions can be scary and difficult to access.  The vast majority of us have been affected by suicide, either directly or indirectly. A National Institute of Mental Health study in 2007 showed that suicide was the 10^th leading cause of death in the United States, totaling almost 35,000 deaths (NIH Publication No. 06-4594). To put this in perspective, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported that there were 18,000 deaths by homicide in that same year. That is almost two deaths by suicide for every victim of homicide. If we add the number of people who have attempted and/ or contemplated suicide, the number of persons directly affected by suicide rises significantly.

You might think that asking a person if they are thinking of suicide will put the idea in their head, or that if you do, there is nothing you can do to stop them. Many people do not talk about their suicidal thoughts because they are ashamed of feeling this way. You have the power to make suicide more acceptable to talk about by being kind, non-judgmental and straightforward in your inquiry. This can be complicated because suicide is not something most people are comfortable talking about, much less inquiring about. It is helpful to know that having suicidal thoughts is common when we are feeling overwhelmed or depressed.  Often, all someone who is thinking of killing themselves needs is a way to begin talking about these thoughts. Both thinking about suicide and being scared to talk about suicide are normal things. Yet, suicide is the most preventable form of death in America – if we are able to begin the conversation. Talking about it alone will not solve the problem, but it does begin to point the individual who is suffering toward getting help.

My main purpose in writing this is to alert folks in our community, and elsewhere, to the resources available to anyone contemplating suicide, and those who care about them. It is important to know that even though it may feel like you are walking this path alone, treading the uncertain waters of what to do, help is much closer and easier to access than you might think. The most important thing to know is that if you or someone you know is in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, please do not hesitate to call 911 immediately.  First Responders are trained in how to deal with mental health crises. Once at the hospital, the Emergency Room doctors and staff know how to get you, your friend or loved one access to mental health care.  Below is a list of other resources and hotlines staffed 24 hours a day:

• The Dekalb Regional Crisis Center: 404-892-4646 – 24/7 Crisis Access Line
• Fulton County Department of Mental Health, Emergency Mental Health Services, 24/7: 404-730-1600
• Grady Hospital, Central Fulton Community Mental Health Center, Crisis Line, 24/7: 404-616-4762
• Suicide.org:  A comprehensive and user friendly database of information about suicide including articles, reflections by survivors, links to other websites, and information about how to help a suicidal person.  From the website: “If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide, or are a suicide survivor, you will find help, hope, comfort, understanding, support, love and extensive resources here.” 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) and 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) “You may call these suicide prevention numbers from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day.  People are waiting to help you.”
• The Georgia Crisis & Access Line:  For locating mental health and crisis stabilization services anywhere in Georgia 1-800-715-4225
• Support groups for Survivors of Suicide can be found throughout the metro-Atlanta area.  The website of the Link Counseling Center, which specializes in suicide prevention and aftercare, is a great place to start your search.