Making Relationships Work Is Work
Joe Turner MA, LAPC
Heartwork Counseling Center

When your relationship has turned into a painful struggle, it’s hard to remember that you got into because it brought joy to both of you. It’s often possible to find your way back to the joy, but it takes work.

This used to be fun!
One reason that things turn sour is that you come together with different views of how relationships are supposed to work. In her family, people yelled a lot and that was OK. In his, a raised voice meant something pretty bad was on the way, and withdrawal was survival. Or, in his family, people asked each other for help. In hers, that was a sign of weakness, dependence, and failure.

These differences may not show up as problems right away. For quite a while you can hope that your partner will eventually see the light and start acting the way you know in your heart is proper. In the meantime, you put up with it. Guess what? That change rarely happens the way you hope it will. In ten weeks, or ten months, or ten years, you get tired of waiting, and your partner gets tired of being nagged about it.

There are things you can do
So what can you do when what you think is an open and honest remark triggers an angry response or hurt withdrawal? Here are a couple of things you can do that are often helpful:
· Slow the conversation down. Deliver your message in small chunks, and allow time for your partner to respond. You may feel that you need to say everything you can while you have the chance. The problem is that after about one minute, your partner isn’t really hearing anything.
· Check for understanding – both ways. The fact is you don’t know what the other person is thinking. So check your understanding. Did your partner really mean what you thought you heard? Check the other person’s understanding also. Ask them to tell you what you just said. If it didn’t get through clearly, try again, slowly, and in small chunks. Louder and with more emphasis will probably not work.

Don’t be isolated
It’s OK to have problems. That’s called being human. And we are social animals, so you don’t need to carry your problem by yourself. If the frustrations are too tangled to sort out by yourselves, sometimes a third party can help. Talk to a family member, a friend, a pastor, or a counselor.

When you talk to someone, notice how you feel afterward. If you come away more convinced than ever that you’re right and your partner is wrong, you may need to talk to someone else. On the other hand, if you feel like you’ve learned something, or noticed something constructive that you hadn’t noticed before, you probably have a good resource. Look for someone who can help you remember that it takes work to keep relationships healthy and joyful. It’s not always easy, but the joy just may be available.