Communicating with Others and with Ourselves

The act of communicating is the sharing of information with someone else.  We communicate with the world through our faces, our bodies and our words. Whether or not you’re aware of it we always use non-verbal as well as verbal communication. Do your words match your body language? It is very helpful if it does because it eliminates any confusion about what you're trying to say.

Our language gives the listener information through different sensory channels. They hear our words, (and any ums or ehrs). They also hear the pace of our conversation, the loudness or softness of what we're saying, if we get stuck and stutter a bit. They will also hear our hurt and vulnerability if we sigh or cry.

In addition to hearing our words, people also see us as we communicate. They take in the coloration of our face, our expression - happy, sad, angry, confused, fearful... and our posture and body language. They also see the rate of our breathing, whether we are relaxed or tense and if we are making eye-contact. 

It is helpful to be aware of your body. Notice what it is expressing. Are your arms crossed in frustration or anger? Is your hand locked in a fist? Are you slumped over, feeling powerless? Do you cringe at things? Or are you open, ready to meet the world?  Check in with yourself. Are you feeling tense or relaxed? What can you tell yourself that can help you to be ready for what comes next?

It is also helpful to be aware of your audience. What is the listener’s culture?  Cultural sensitivity can be very important to being an effective communicator. Some cultures prefer that you stand face to face when you talk. Others find that rude, needing much more space between those who are talking.  In some cultures, shaking one’s head from side to side means “Yes”. In others, the same head shake means “No”.

Besides an individual's culture, their relative status is important. Are they older adults, and thus commanding respect? Are they children and do we need to be aware of their vulnerability? Are they friends or family so you can be more informal with them?  Are they people you can relax with or do you need to be more formal with them?

Our words can have an impact on the listener, but they also have an impact on ourselves. For example, let's look at someone who is trying to climb a rock wall. They've made it to the 4th rock and they know there are 9 or 10 more to go. If they say to themselves, "I only made it up a couple of steps. It's too far to make it to the top", their words discourage them and they're likely to collapse upon themselves and end their climb.  On the other hand, they can boost themselves with positive self-talk, saying "I got the first few steps. Let's see if I can keep on going," they find the energy to keep climbing and go for the top.

You deserve to have someone say something encouraging to you, and that someone might just be yourself!